In December 2008, my sister got married to an American man (who also happens to be named Ben). The wedding was held in Grand Rapids, Michigan. My family and a few of my sister's friends flew over to the US for the event.
Although my family isn't very particular about our Chinese heritage, my sister decided that she wanted to inject certain local traditions into her American wedding, so she asked her friends to arrange the "wedding door game" for the groom and his groomsmen. For those who have not heard of it before, this involves the ladies of the house barring the way to the bride, and subjecting the groom to various challenges and obstacles to prove his determination to get the bride. The groom may attempt to bribe the ladies with "hong baos" to ease his entry into the house.
The groom had been informed that eight was considered an auspicious number, and had prepared his "hong baos" accordingly. He also heard that it might be good to prepare varying amounts in the different packets, in case the demands were higher than he expected. So when the first "hong bao" appeared, my sister's friends peered into it, and were rather dismayed to find 88 US cents inside.
I was with the groom's party at the time, so what follows is hearsay. I heard that my sister's friends were somewhat upset at the paltry amount. The packets which followed contained more, up to a maximum of $88, but it was not enough to assuage them. Apparently my cousin had to step in to make excuses on their behalf - "They're not from Singapore, they don't know what's appropriate" and so on and so forth.
I do think that the groom's party treated the whole thing quite lightly. The whole event was presented as a kind of cultural exposure for them, and a game of sorts, so they behaved accordingly. My family is generally quite blase about these things, and we were not bothered in the least. But my sister's friends are more connected with their cultural roots, and have probably played this game often, and had much higher expectations, and this led to some dissatisfaction.
This is clearly an example of intercultural miscommunication. I think that in Asian societies, we often peg our self-worth on our income, or the kind of house we stay in, and other indications of wealth. However, I believe that Americans place more value on athleticism and action-oriented achievements - that's why they respect all the jocks. Hence, they were happy to take on the various challenges placed before them, but didn't see the money as being a serious part of the game.
I guess that this was miscommunication on my sister's part, based on a lack of foresight. The two groups came for the same event, yet had different expectations of what the event entailed. This led to conflict.
All the best
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Thanks for your final post and kind comments to me.It has been wonderful
teaching you.See you around on campus.
13 years ago
Hi Benjamin,
ReplyDeleteI liked the way you described conflict as a result of differing expectations.
A lot of times, I do find myself in such situations, whereby I would not specifically voice out my expectations because it felt rude to do so. I had expected the other party to behave in a certain way simply because I thought, well he should know better. As you can guess, conflicts do occur as a result.
At the moment, I don't have any answer to such situations.
How should one strike a balance between being too "pushy" and meeting his or her own needs?
Regards,
Nicholas
Hello Ben,
ReplyDeleteI liked your idea about the meaning behind certain cultures and tradition. What might seem lighthearted to some might be serious or important to others.
For your case, it was the meaning of the game that the Americans miss out upon. They treated it as just another game while to the traditional Chinese, the amount in the red packet has much more meaning. Hence without truly understanding the meaning behind certain cultures, one might easily act inappropriately.
How to avoid it? Well I guess taking the effort to learn more to please wife might be a good start.
Cheers: Ryan
Hi Ben,
ReplyDeleteI agree that Asians, especially Chinese, were rather money-conscious and many of our traditions were based on money. Take for instance, the amount of money inside red packets given during Chinese New Year can be a topic for gossip if it is not of a certain amount. It is probably of this “traditional” expectation that your sister’s friends were dissatisfied.
On the other hand, the Americans naturally treat games played during happy events, such as wedding, in a light-hearted manner and will not read too much into these games.
I guess the main cultural difference here is the Chinese cares a lot about their “face” and the amount of respect they are given by someone of a lower status, such as boss and subordinate, while the Americans tend to be more easy-going and are not too bothered about the social hierarchy.
Solution? Taking the initiative to learn about others may be a nice way to understand and to avoid conflicts.
Cheers,
wanyee
Hey Ben,
ReplyDeleteSo when are you going to find your american bride?.. Hehe. Of all the stories i have read yours is the most interesting i must say. I totally agree with you on the fact we asians hold our cuture very dear to us as compared to westerners. However, i would beg to differ that they don't place any importance on culture. Thier culture is not as deep rooted as ours but more platonic in nature.
Anyway just my two cents worth. Well written and interesting.
Cheerz